Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
