so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
