I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
