he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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