community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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