i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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