I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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