Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
