I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
