Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
