How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
