I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
