bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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