I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize