i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
