im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
bring money and cleavage
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
