Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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