So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
