my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
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I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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