how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
