i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
