Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
