the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
