so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
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so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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