Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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