Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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