My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
