After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
