Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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