textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
