I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
