I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need water and some morals
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
