This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
