I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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