Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
