the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
