i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
