textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
