Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
