Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Randomize
