I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
