so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
