We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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