I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
