I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
