so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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