Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
