JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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