I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
