***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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