4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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