so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
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The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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