I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
