went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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