My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
