Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
